Friday, December 14, 2012

12/14/12

As if a vacuum has sucked all the breath of life out of all of me, worse than drowning, lost in space. I find it hard to fathom, the pain of even the imagining it rocks me to my core. As a father it resonates and echos through my entire body. There is no point in asking questions. We stand at attention. For the children my prayers are happy for I am that for them. For the parents, I am dumb,mute,
because as I put myself in their shoes, I feel shell shocked. like a grenade just exploded in front of my face. I cannot hear anything but high pitched ringing like a banshee screams and my far-off, distant gaze never really focuses on anything at all. I'm a zombie turning around in circles slowly, searching for my baby, who will never come back to me. God help us all.

Monday, November 26, 2012

eye fill 12312

JUMBLED THOUGHTs ARE RUSHING AROUND LIKE LOTS OF LOST ELECTRONS AND PROTONS AND MY AXONS ACT LIKE BYGONES AND LET BE WHAT THEY ARE
modest mouse said it best and indeed there is swimming around in my head and indeed bukowski is pretty good read.
out loud and given that the universe is shaped exactly like the earth ill keep on going in a straight line enough and end up where i were.
my only solace is found in finding the lost and proclaiming it found
i would rather pull a tree up from the ground and turn it upside down that turn over a new leaf
i dont wanna be a clown again
no i dont wanna live this triangle
i dont wanna be a clown now
and i long to carry on
in the beggining we were oh so grand
we started out as something pure and sincere
but now we see the evil within
i cant tell you
whats the reason

Monday, October 15, 2012

Nothing new

nothing coming out of me is what i want to hear. it has upon some reflection come to my attention that nothing i am noting is worthy of mention. it is like i am a scratched cd, like damnaged goods, skipping the same verse, stuck and can't get past. as much as i try the cycle repeats and i lose control to alternatives and proceed to delete any progress:2words task management. in dependent mode. these falling words fill deaf ears like a cup that overflows and spills all over and things get messy. too much. never enough. take this away from me. remote control. i turnover, submit, letting go, pulling off now to the shoulder; im frozen, i shiver, need help, getting so brrrr.... cold.

Friday, September 7, 2012

Bee Haven

Hear,
we go again around and around
closer to lost than ever found
frown
destined to be an inverted clown face
picture perfect
tupac paints a perfect picture
i see no changes
wake up in the morning
ask yourself....
yes it is
no i shouldnt
i really dont know what i went therefore
never ending
with none is more
that life is a bore
im a house on sand
made of straw
no need for puffs
simply exhale
im that first little pig
destined to fail
swine flew
cookoo's nest over
yes im well read
sky high
mars rover
curiosity kills me
gimmie a break
break me off a
peace 
outta my mind
fill me in
im blank
alls a dotted line

Saturday, August 18, 2012

HellO?

will this ever end please tell me it will it has far too long and i am losing but still i have to try my best not enough i keep falling back on this twisted drug crutch oh my Jesus with heavenly aid come to my assistance for I am a pitiful display my devotion is a roller coaster on which I am no longer amused the sin permeating Your sacred heart I abuse I cannot control that which causes me pain and while others may assume so it farthest from plain yes or no for my answer is don't but my soul is screaming never yet listen my body won't I don't get it I am baffled for I cave and submit to my urges my demons they are ceaseless won't quit but neither will I Lord I am strong when with You but the sin that accumulates won't let Your love shine on through I am clouded by nature and I seek the Son rise and I want more than anything to be not despised for if judged at the present I would for lack of restraint be burning amongst all those who chose salvation too late do not leave me my God for I yearn for Your favor and I trust in the promises brought down by my Saviour rally with me to defeat all this evil send down your assistance I know we will prevail I just need some help and to be kept away from temptation which is hard when my frequency is tuned to selfish a station be patient with my ignorance and my nature to fall but be merciful Lord and answer this call

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Re: Turn

Out of practice
Feeling of lackness
Matter of fact is
Coded and cracked his
Fists in the air
Reader beware
You've stepped into the lair
Of a man who is bare
Naked exposed
Cypher depths deep his soul's
Full of wordy expressions
Self teaching life lessons
The less wins the better
For he's light as a feather
When stormy the weather
Released from the tether
Of the drab that's routine
Now the cleanest he's been
No longer the fiend
Somehow now he's weened
Though struggling he's keen
To the past and has seen
Where the fleeting path leads
Destructive in deed's
The easy, the norm
True his mind wanders
He's twisted and torn
Compelled to revert
Into this sickness was born
Surrounded in lifetimes
Of no repercussion
Of not giving a shit
Content with the nothing
That comes from a life
Of self gratification
Setting fire to bridges
Where there are no fire stations
The school of hard knocks
Is his choice education
Quadruple his major's
Disease, deprivation
Anguish and scorn
An emphasis in denial
The hard way is his
Accustomed to vial
Humility gained
A failure thus far
Laugh at his lot
Full of feather and tar
The last laugh is his
As the world's bound to see
Twenty six and counting
Father of three


Friday, June 8, 2012

Syknis

carry me away from myself
wealth brings decline
subtracts from my health
read between
snoopy sleuth
what is one to doeth
catching it
caught it
crew with
festers
blew gifts
who with
clueless
no longer
knewith
lost the helm
nightmares
on elm
paved roads
episodes
codes
standby
modes
whats the motive
you bet
sho did
lost it
should have
stowed it
rolled in
limped out
no direction
wrong route
stuck in
want out


Monday, June 4, 2012

anti-climactic

going no where fast
we have reached a crossroads
are we in this together
not even close to fun
if you want to run
far away i cant blame you
run away
and separate
given more than most
for longer than one should
invisible force holding me back
its like im allergic to progress
this self destructive
this un-productive
not even bad luck this
is some Freudian subconscious
obnoxious
watch this
i tail spin
inches from goal
its as if ive an anchor
attached to my soul
endlessly praying
entirely laying
myself in prostration
still this frustration
an illustration
discontinuity relation
hopelessly hopeless
how often i waste
this grace
i spit in its face
book thrown
closed case
sin encased
permanent state
us?
dust
lost
trust
bust
leave me out
to rot
to rust
far from right
far from just

Sunday, May 20, 2012

John Denver

this sinking feeling
this hole in my soul
i am left reflecting
i am alone surrounded
undeserving of the blessings
undeserving of the love
the future seems so dismal
anti excitement comes with tommorrow
i am trapped here and now
mourning and wanting
wishing i were more than myself
afraid of my potential
afraid of failing
i hover like a roller coaster
having reached the top
i linger for this moment
this apex
the climb was too short
lost in the excitement
i am haunted by what i may have missed
i renounce the future
imprisoned by memories
i loath what comes next
stuck in the quicksand of regret
impartial to comforting words
pray for me
i am despair
woe is me
try to make it work
man these times
are hard
hard enough to harden
pardon me
while i burst
into tears
i wear my sorrow
i dare not see pictures
i want no tomorrow
yesterday is gone
once close now so far
though i had it
its gone now
and here i remain
my sadness is drownding
now back to the same
it makes me mad
insane inside
i lock myself away
internally i hide
i bury my burdens
with layers of guilt
feeling empty
hollow
fetal
i wilt
 

Friday, April 27, 2012

A Merry Kin

Fated fatigued
Be mine
Over time
I might be too strung out
Too thinned out stretchedt
Arm strong
Hard
They know
Money
Im over
Drafted
Blast
Did I plan ahead
Rather things never said
Escape
I fled
I flee
This circus
Work this
Berserk is
The way
I live
My
Count tree
Tis of thee

Sunday, April 8, 2012

sandpaper

sacramental
extra-mental
even easter wont shed enough light
even Christ cant set things right
not yet at least
burdened we beast
not births nor deaths nor changing season
going on so long cant remember the reason
whats you name?
whos your daddy?
rich would he love me?
i cant take itall the time
cant we fake it
half the time
i can take it
ill be fine
i can shake it
most the time
no one showed me what it means to live
tell it to me slowly
tell me what?
i really want to know
is it time?
whens my season?
need loving.
continually snuffed
mistreated
its rough
i grit till im gums
it adds up to great sums
sums of doubt
less myself
undefined
lacking wealth
what am i?
wasted space?
not capitalized
lower cased
they say the tortoise
wins the race
perhaps im just
slower paced
so in the mean time
i get mean time?
till you deem mine
worth esteem
kindly remind
me of the crime
guilty me
im
stuck in rewind
left questioning why 'm
wasting these lines

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Sweet the sound

you the fuckin best
baby you the best
you the best i ever
had
i a dozen lives to live
this twelve times twelve
is the one id chose.
clues: 
shades of blue the sky
has many
but the number of hues
displayed forever,
though many,
are not enough plenty
to number the times daily
i ponder bout gaily
bout how you inutterably amaze me.
the grace of God
lead thee to me
verse a- me to thee
I thank Him three times
Holy trinity
to bless me the father of your son
your spirit is the goodest
although presently pregnant
you've already won
the mother of the millenium award
all competition is forever out-scored
Lord have mercy.
you're a fox
and i hound you.
sniffed you out
you fill the hole in my soul
am eternally bound to you
if you were a cloud
i would bring the ground to you
and now like the moon
is bound to the earth
my every revolves around you
you give my life worth.
the stars aligned in the heavens
and like a wise man i have found you
and find you stellar, amazing,
i want to astound you.
you are out of this world
if i was a dumb bell
in your hand id be curled
you are atlas strong
in my eyes can't do wrong
and i ring like clockwork to tell world
this boy is wow that girl-ed
for all time you got me
like a flash here you seent'it
my heart jumped into your pocket
do with it what you see fit

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Hath-deady

 >>>>>>>>!<<<<<<<<
now and then
i think of when
we were
together
we were happy
oh so happy
could have died
lived for myself
so selfishly
lived a lie
spoke false comfortably
but that was someone
that i so want not to
wont remember

when addicted
nothings certain
'cept the sadness
living daily
to an end
always an end
the way we lived
just did not make sense
lets make certain
that it stays past tense
and count our blessings
that that part is dead and over

i didnt mean to stoop
so low
hurt you badly
treating you like you were nothing

still you never ceased to show me love
when i turned into a stranger
and that means so much

that part of me is over now
somethings different
always something
that i hadnt found

i guess we needed room to grow
time to become somebody
like you used to know

now and then
i think
of all the times
i screwed you over
having you
believing
it was
always something
you had done
you dont have to live that way
had you crying on the day to day
im truely sorry
that i hope you know
i can tell you
but i suppose its something
time will have to show

yes you were right to cut me off
collect the records
crunch the numbers
and get to know yourself

you never ceased to show me love
when i turned into a stranger
and that means so much

no i didnt mean to stoop so low
i hurt you badly
and didnt notice just how lost i was

that part of me is over now
and i can be somebody
like you used to know

Thursday, January 12, 2012

getit

inspired by those who are on their game
undetered and undisturbed by the demons
black they plauge me and disrupt me
dream a little dream a future bright
artistic altruistic i cant ballistic
this sickness addiction leaves me
behind me the past runs fast in my head
leaving clouds of regret and sorrow
in debt to the master of slaves the enemy
what once was a crutch gives me a purpose
i purpose a toast to the dont anymores
i raise a glass half empty and realize
half full of myself is not the way to be
no longer me im about to explode