the first of a long string of days

she said one year. i believe her. so here we go. today started off in the same space i now occupy, her couch. she will eventually move it out and i dread the day. but perhaps i will be less emotionally attached by then. we will see. tonight seems bittersweet in the sense that there is indeed real hope that the future can be bright and what i say i want can be real. that being said, the road ahead seems intimidating standing here looking ahead. faith alone. faith in God, faith in myself, and faith in her. trust two of the three i can easily. the other is what scares. we get what we give. divine econmy of salvation. justice. all is new. this dawn. endless possibilities. again, scary. the what-ifs get me hung up. gotta stay here. not the future nor past. to shift for the long term these changes must last. how little i feel when i size up the task but the alternative isnt an option yet im wanting now, wanting fast. typical thinking that got me here alone wishing things were different nobody hearing me cause im all alone. i can not be negative nows not the time. five things i am thankful for and they may even rhyme they include forgiveness because its really the reason im still here and without it i dont think anyone would ever persevere the second is compassion the kind humanity has cause today i really felt it for that i am glad. third being humility cause im learning it now as i will get nothing less, in that i earned where i am now. fourth thing im thankful for is my children and when they impart little wisdoms making the outward turn within. the fifth is my faith for without it im lost and it reminds me its not me calling shots cause im not really the boss. thats my penance im clean and can go one of two ways. im going to pray now this ends well after 364 more days. i know what my goal is and it seems both imoossible and at same time acheivable. im leaving God in his goodness to let us survive

just fucking kill me

you can call me you know i welcome its not a home without you two here i bask in the sound of silence wishing on a stella her mommy was behind this door or that one but a monster scared her away now im stuck here living with shadows and dismay for my worst fear came true as i self sabatoged as if it meant nothing to let go words and waste moments ill maybe never get to make back times i was the worst enemy to my self i could be hardly myself not at all really not me something wrong up inside mental help needing eye sees no color it left me today alls grey shades of blues having nobody to hear me or share with my mood masks like horror im ghost im so booed you can to my grave bring me floral the arrangement so strange went fast gone like this summer when away i was often so many days lost the number and it was bad when i was crying when i would leave for the week but now its as if i cant eat think or sleep cause the better part of me left my side leaving a hole in my soul as deep as its wide im still bound to you and in love with you darling and when you say you love me too our reunion isnt some far thing. you can ring up my line its not wrong if its right im so sad you are missing im missing you too all alone here tonight