the first of a long string of days

she said one year. i believe her. so here we go. today started off in the same space i now occupy, her couch. she will eventually move it out and i dread the day. but perhaps i will be less emotionally attached by then. we will see. tonight seems bittersweet in the sense that there is indeed real hope that the future can be bright and what i say i want can be real. that being said, the road ahead seems intimidating standing here looking ahead. faith alone. faith in God, faith in myself, and faith in her. trust two of the three i can easily. the other is what scares. we get what we give. divine econmy of salvation. justice. all is new. this dawn. endless possibilities. again, scary. the what-ifs get me hung up. gotta stay here. not the future nor past. to shift for the long term these changes must last. how little i feel when i size up the task but the alternative isnt an option yet im wanting now, wanting fast. typical thinking that got me here alone wishing things were different nobody hearing me cause im all alone. i can not be negative nows not the time. five things i am thankful for and they may even rhyme they include forgiveness because its really the reason im still here and without it i dont think anyone would ever persevere the second is compassion the kind humanity has cause today i really felt it for that i am glad. third being humility cause im learning it now as i will get nothing less, in that i earned where i am now. fourth thing im thankful for is my children and when they impart little wisdoms making the outward turn within. the fifth is my faith for without it im lost and it reminds me its not me calling shots cause im not really the boss. thats my penance im clean and can go one of two ways. im going to pray now this ends well after 364 more days. i know what my goal is and it seems both imoossible and at same time acheivable. im leaving God in his goodness to let us survive