erned

It gets a little easier when i make believe that i am in prison
like i put myself there
where i belong for all that i have done
at least this self induced sentence allows me freedom
but at what cost?
long days wallowing
it is sort of funny
how that cliche goes
you really dont know what you have
had
it is gone
far away now
all that time spent wasted
what i would give to have it now
they say dont live in the past
they say dont live for the future
they say to be in the moment
fuck this moment
fuck this
all of this
what is better
am i getting it?
how close am i
how long
how far
how much more

12/14/12

As if a vacuum has sucked all the breath of life out of all of me, worse than drowning, lost in space. I find it hard to fathom, the pain of even the imagining it rocks me to my core. As a father it resonates and echos through my entire body. There is no point in asking questions. We stand at attention. For the children my prayers are happy for I am that for them. For the parents, I am dumb,mute,

because as I put myself in their shoes, I feel shell shocked. like a grenade just exploded in front of my face. I cannot hear anything but high pitched ringing like a banshee screams and my far-off, distant gaze never really focuses on anything at all. I'm a zombie turning around in circles slowly, searching for my baby, who will never come back to me. God help us all.

eye fill 12312

JUMBLED THOUGHTs ARE RUSHING AROUND LIKE LOTS OF LOST ELECTRONS AND PROTONS AND MY AXONS ACT LIKE BYGONES AND LET BE WHAT THEY ARE
modest mouse said it best and indeed there is swimming around in my head and indeed bukowski is pretty good read.
out loud and given that the universe is shaped exactly like the earth ill keep on going in a straight line enough and end up where i were.
my only solace is found in finding the lost and proclaiming it found
i would rather pull a tree up from the ground and turn it upside down that turn over a new leaf
i dont wanna be a clown again
no i dont wanna live this triangle
i dont wanna be a clown now
and i long to carry on
in the beggining we were oh so grand
we started out as something pure and sincere
but now we see the evil within
i cant tell you
whats the reason

Nothing new

nothing coming out of me is what i want to hear. it has upon some reflection come to my attention that nothing i am noting is worthy of mention. it is like i am a scratched cd, like damnaged goods, skipping the same verse, stuck and can't get past. as much as i try the cycle repeats and i lose control to alternatives and proceed to delete any progress:2words task management. in dependent mode. these falling words fill deaf ears like a cup that overflows and spills all over and things get messy. too much. never enough. take this away from me. remote control. i turnover, submit, letting go, pulling off now to the shoulder; im frozen, i shiver, need help, getting so brrrr.... cold.

Bee Haven

Hear,
we go again around and around
closer to lost than ever found
frown
destined to be an inverted clown face
picture perfect
tupac paints a perfect picture
i see no changes
wake up in the morning
ask yourself....
yes it is
no i shouldnt
i really dont know what i went therefore
never ending
with none is more
that life is a bore
im a house on sand
made of straw
no need for puffs
simply exhale
im that first little pig
destined to fail
swine flew
cookoo's nest over
yes im well read
sky high
mars rover
curiosity kills me
gimmie a break
break me off a
peace 
outta my mind
fill me in
im blank
alls a dotted line

HellO?

will this ever end please tell me it will it has far too long and i am losing but still i have to try my best not enough i keep falling back on this twisted drug crutch oh my Jesus with heavenly aid come to my assistance for I am a pitiful display my devotion is a roller coaster on which I am no longer amused the sin permeating Your sacred heart I abuse I cannot control that which causes me pain and while others may assume so it farthest from plain yes or no for my answer is don't but my soul is screaming never yet listen my body won't I don't get it I am baffled for I cave and submit to my urges my demons they are ceaseless won't quit but neither will I Lord I am strong when with You but the sin that accumulates won't let Your love shine on through I am clouded by nature and I seek the Son rise and I want more than anything to be not despised for if judged at the present I would for lack of restraint be burning amongst all those who chose salvation too late do not leave me my God for I yearn for Your favor and I trust in the promises brought down by my Saviour rally with me to defeat all this evil send down your assistance I know we will prevail I just need some help and to be kept away from temptation which is hard when my frequency is tuned to selfish a station be patient with my ignorance and my nature to fall but be merciful Lord and answer this call

Re: Turn

Out of practice
Feeling of lackness
Matter of fact is
Coded and cracked his
Fists in the air
Reader beware
You've stepped into the lair
Of a man who is bare
Naked exposed
Cypher depths deep his soul's
Full of wordy expressions
Self teaching life lessons
The less wins the better
For he's light as a feather
When stormy the weather
Released from the tether
Of the drab that's routine
Now the cleanest he's been
No longer the fiend
Somehow now he's weened
Though struggling he's keen
To the past and has seen
Where the fleeting path leads
Destructive in deed's
The easy, the norm
True his mind wanders
He's twisted and torn
Compelled to revert
Into this sickness was born
Surrounded in lifetimes
Of no repercussion
Of not giving a shit
Content with the nothing
That comes from a life
Of self gratification
Setting fire to bridges
Where there are no fire stations
The school of hard knocks
Is his choice education
Quadruple his major's
Disease, deprivation
Anguish and scorn
An emphasis in denial
The hard way is his
Accustomed to vial
Humility gained
A failure thus far
Laugh at his lot
Full of feather and tar
The last laugh is his
As the world's bound to see
Twenty six and counting
Father of three

Syknis

carry me away from myself
wealth brings decline
subtracts from my health
read between
snoopy sleuth
what is one to doeth
catching it
caught it
crew with
festers
blew gifts
who with
clueless
no longer
knewith
lost the helm
nightmares
on elm
paved roads
episodes
codes
standby
modes
whats the motive
you bet
sho did
lost it
should have
stowed it
rolled in
limped out
no direction
wrong route
stuck in
want out

anti-climactic

going no where fast
we have reached a crossroads
are we in this together
not even close to fun
if you want to run
far away i cant blame you
run away
and separate
given more than most
for longer than one should
invisible force holding me back
its like im allergic to progress
this self destructive
this un-productive
not even bad luck this
is some Freudian subconscious
obnoxious
watch this
i tail spin
inches from goal
its as if ive an anchor
attached to my soul
endlessly praying
entirely laying
myself in prostration
still this frustration
an illustration
discontinuity relation
hopelessly hopeless
how often i waste
this grace
i spit in its face
book thrown
closed case
sin encased
permanent state
us?
dust
lost
trust
bust
leave me out
to rot
to rust
far from right
far from just