Est-Rang-ed.

im not really interested
in talking
about it
i feel
like that book
with grover
like there is a monster at the end of this
and i don't feel
like crying
right
now

ive been
compartmentalizing
well enough
to get through
days
long
and dark

im just letting
infant jesus
take the
reigns
to this sled
grandma
is running over
rain
dear
games

over the river and through the woods
as i am
dragged behind
like a southern hate crime victim
slamming my head
sonny bono style
on every fucking trunk

observe
as i go vietnam Buddhist
calmly accepting
the burning
the savagery
the pain

happy 2nd birthday Stella.
Star in my sky.
i wish upon you.
even though i can't see you...

for whatever-

backwards ass,
selfish,
self serving,
heart wrenching,
soul squashing,
easy way out,
avoiding confrontation,
exaggerated,
slanderous,
certified insane,
BULLSHIT,
(not to mention
anti christ)
no mass

pour favor

ive
got nothing
but sorrow
and im exhausted

God help me
I miss my baby

-reason they tell themselves.
Fuck you. and God bless you
Mothers,
you fuckers

axed

you owe me

a tree

and some 

memories 

un-man-i

-fested

advent

-u-r-

e

neglected

intro

-vert

el-

e

-lect-

ed 

in 

-stead in-

vert

-a-

b-rate 

pain

in my

correct it

you

dont pass go

questioning my reasoning
being where i is
music in me
background
i am
under
amused

shouldn't i
be moved
more
hell
if i
dont
or do
ya know?

spending
money
time
and
space

but this
guy has
a sense
of humor
"romantic"
great prompt

room full
out on
the broadway
mono
poly
fingers
pockets

care ole

little
do you know son
how you keep me alive
its a bittersweet
this tragedy
for you i will
survive
i live off these
imperfect moments
these failed attempts
to fly
i bare my soul
in honesty
with actuality
tears within
my eyes

shadow of
my former self
trying to escape
the time is fleeting
moments passing
nothing seems to
help me
make up
four these
not mistakes

im drowning in
sorrowing
defeat in this
constant
sense of
shame
ghost
of christmas
past
is haunted
more of
just the
same

i believe
in you
as for me?
myself and i
are
feared to be
finished

selfish self
lost it all
half
the man
i used
to be
im bad
for my own
health
ill admit
living in my
stupidity

has to...
just has to...
last until
get me through
the winter cold
she lifts
nearing im a
point of no
returning
remembering
well
wherefore ive
acquired all my
God given gifts

last

damn aged

lacking the resolution
no healing going on here
no place but up to go
because any farther down
into this mess ive made of myself
and ill slit my throat

bound to lose
my mind
as if there is anything left
to salvage

my former glory
haunts me
memory museum
i banned myself from

i cant even let myself feel
its all very overwhelming

so much shame
so far away from
the me i was proud to be

she left me
and that hurt
but ive entered a phase
where i dont believe
that ill ever love myself
again

ive given up
i can tell
in the way
im lost to myself
dont know who i really am
and it takes me
too much energy
just to get out
of my room

more than that
im still mourning
and she isnt ever going to look back

i thought i had overcome
the worst
that i was getting over her
moving on
but i was wrong
and it's apparent
im a fraction
a remnant
a shadow

each passing day
i exist in this fog
where im dull
disconnected
gray and overcast

fucking fading
and i hate this
because
healing isnt happening
im a product
of painful past mistakes

putting things back
together
ain't so easy
for me

im scared
and alone
wishing you
still felt things
but you dont

and im daily
getting crazy
barely holding on
losing faith
losing hope basically

two

ive never composed with intentions to entertain
to be certain it's naive to aspire to fame
written words works wonderful magic
but putting them down is traditionally tragic
or comedic
for laughing at
making one cry
its the only thing left
when i fear i could die
self is my nitch
i just flow with
the go
and i care not
nor know not
ever far how
ill go
and i hide secrets long worded
when reality bites

blurted
blot out
the sun
for darkness
consumes us
and love is dead
God is too
black fridays forever
21 monkeys
zoo

sigh oh gnar uh

still feeling anchored
down in the dumpster

ive gone down deep this time
im wilderness john the baptist
gnawing on my sandal straps

nothing helps right now
feels like last year
zeroing out instead of in

kamikaze zombie parasitic
contagion pathogenic
past postmortem margarine

butterfly coo cooing again
met i morpheus
neo ment i for more than this

pit i pattern
heart beat ravenous
problems old abacus

casio

sangers
sung wrongers
did it tonight
came and winced
pain full
exchange

shared out of obligation
price to pay
aint anonymous
in your face
sitting in
rotation

couldnt just
if i
observe
disturb
oblation
radiation

all up in
my head
this day
rather i
seclude
than play

off pudding

everything it seems today
is off
i cant explain it
no thought in my head soothes
my soul complaining
for entertainment
i had weird dreams
of monsters
and things
my drama is
mommy centric
im lost
a soul troubled
a wondering
vagabond
chemical induction
catalyst crutch
too much i fear
is never enough
let the wind take me
come what may
im playing peek a boo
with baby jesus
letting him take
the wheel
today